God gave me this body.

This issue has been on my mind and while I was on vacation it resurfaced. I'm not sure if I will finish this post, but I'll give it a try.

I don't want to pin myself as a "typical" thirty something year old that just has image and body issues. I would like to think that this isn't normal and what consumes most of my brain space isn't what others worry about. However, since I began my weight loss journey (that's what I call it, although at the time I didn't even realize weight was what I needed to lose) I had an image in my mind of what I thought I should look like. That image was how I measured myself and determined that I was successful.

I picked this picture because I have another one with the same pose. This picture was taken when I started watching how much food I ate. I still ate whatever I wanted, but it was all about portions. And, this was also in the midst of a lot of race training.

Today, I weigh about 14 pounds more than I did in that picture. I still have the same baby tummy skin and the same bathing suit (ha).

Up until this point, I would have told you that I was SOOO happy with how I looked in the first picture. That is "the body" I keep longing for today. However, when I look at the two side by side, there's not much difference (well....).

While running, I was thinking about how hard I am on myself. How I am constantly aiming for this level of achievement and constantly disappointed in myself when I think I have failed.

Why? God made me this way. This is the body he gave me. I don't starve myself. I don't binge eat. I watch what foods I put into my body and if it's healthy then who cares how much I eat.  I am able to run at a decent pace, I can lift an okay amount of weight, I can keep up in a workout, I can fit in all my clothes, I can enjoy a piece of cake or a bowl of ice cream. So, why in the world do I not like myself?! It's okay. I can't change my broad shoulders or my large arms. I can't make the saggy skin disappear from my waistline. But, I can control my attitude and be thankful for the body I have been given. I can treat it with care and be respectful to what I do with it.

It's a hard shift in my attitude. I don't want to just accept myself. I want to love my "shell" and be thankful because it could be a lot worse!

I have a roof over my head, healthy children, a great career and a loving and hard working husband. That's what matters, right?!